Emotional Intelligence by Phyllis Van Hemert

By Wesley Fryer On October 6, 2010 · · Add Comment

These are my notes from Phyllis Van Hemert’s presentation about “Emotional Intelligence” on 6 Oct 2010 at the “Family Matters” class at 1st Presbyterian Church in Edmond, Oklahoma. Phyllis was the counselor at our kids’ elementary school in Edmond and is now a family and kids counselor in private practice.

Recommended Reading:
The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman
Primal Leadership: Learning to Lead with Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Building Emotional Intelligence by Linda Lantieri
Love and Logic by Cline, MD and Jim Fay

Term refers to a set of skills that help you manage yourself and maintain healthy relationships with others

Intelligence has been measured for 100 years by an IQ test
– invented around 1900 by Benet

Last 20 years has been lots of research on what that elusive quality is that helps people be successful in life

Sometimes someone seems to have so much going but still have lots of problems, ESP with relationships

1995 Daniel Goleman got together all the research he could find on emotional intelligence and put it into his book
– book was a catalyst for researchers

Most fortune 500 CEOs are tripped up by emotional intelligence issues, not business acumen

Delayed gratification is a important emotional intelligence skill
– study of kindergarteners who were asked to wait and not eat a marshmallow

Setting limits and not giving in is important for parenting

In parenting think what we are really aiming for?
– begin with the end in mind

respect, relationship skills, boundaries, choosing positive consequences, and empathy

Question to discuss: How do you develop these skills at home?

ABCs of Emotional Intelligence
Active listening
Aggressiveness
Assertiveness
Attunement
Body language
Concentration
Confidence
Conflict resolution
Cooling down period
Cooperation
Curiosity
Decision making
Delay of gratification
Distracting
Emotional hijacking
Emotional literacy
Empathy
Empowerment
Eye contact
Feedback
Friendship
Gut feeling
Impulse control
Interpersonal skills
Intrapersonal skills
Leadership
Metamood
Mood-lifters
Motivation
Nonverbal communication
Optimism
Organizational savvy
People skills
Problem solving
Relatedness
Relaxation techniques
Resilience
Self-control
Self-discipline
Self-management
Self-soothing
Self-talk
Setting limits
Sensitivity to criticism
Social competence
Stress
Toxic emotions
Working memory

By LL Marotta PhD 2007

Wonderful courtesy skill of attunement: asking “is this a good time?”

Kids feel everything we feel as adults, but often hundreds of times more intensely

Meta-mood is thinking about your own thinking (meta-cognition)

Everyone has a tape going through their mind all the time
– you need to be self aware and know your rational mind can redirect yourself

Great to talk to kids about self-talk at an early age

Biggest difference between children and adults: children don’t have perspective

Management is often looking at a situation and picking your best option

Working memory means learning from your mistakes
– responding with empathy but still letting others experience consequences of their behavior helps them learn from mistakes

Stress scale can help us put things in perspective
1-5 daily stresses, little things that always happen but we forget the next day
6-8 stresses take some time to solve
9-10 are devastating

Sometimes it can be very helpful to help develop this perspective
– some people view everything as a 10 on this scale

There is a good news scale too
1-5 daily pleasures
6-8 long lasting joy
9-10 best thing that ever happened

Doing the “High / Low” game at dinner is good
– what was your high today, and your low
– elaborate, everyone participates

Modeling these behaviors of managing stresses is SO important

There are about 10,000 schools worldwide integrating emotional intelligence learning into the curriculum

Helping your child learning to sooth themselves is a very important skill
– recovering from a tantrum, a friendship tangle

Kids need to see how YOU do this

Teaching kids how to breathe to relax is very important
Find a spot you are looking at,focus on that spot and hold up your arm and one of your legs

Key here is the body is able to redirect the mind
– you want to use your body to relax your mind

Teach children the mind can calm the body, the body can calm the mind

Relax the body and focus the mind
– lots of exercises to practice this

Always best to talk about a skill when they do not need it!